Disciplining your child: It's not what you think.

When expecting our first child, we make certain basic preparations. We read parenting books, obtain a crib, stroller, car seat, high chair, layette. If both parents hold jobs, childcare arrangements must be made; new living arrangements, perhaps; a bigger car...

    
Having children forces us to reconsider and rethink everyday matters that we take for granted, as it becomes necessary to create a safe environment. We need to put covers in electrical outlets; locks on drawers and cabinets; keep dangerous objects (chords, sharps, glass...) out of reach; cleaning supplies, medications, and other hazardous materials locked away. We constantly scan for objects a little one might choke on; enclose areas that might be harmful; gate the stairways...

     
 In the beginning, our main concern is to keep these vulnerable little folk safe and cared for in a way that babies are incapable of doing for themselves. Paying close attention to details involving basic safety becomes second nature. We become disciplined in remaining vigilant.

     
Even as babies become mobile, they are not ready to learn what is and is not okay to get into. Punishment is pointless- a slap does not teach a baby not to do something. She feels only the pain, coming from the one she looks to for safety and comfort.

  
Babies and toddlers are curious and get into everything. We must eliminate temptations—put knick knacks up; video equipment, and stereos out of reach. When an active baby or young toddler approaches danger, the best intervention is to remove the child from the area while calming telling him no, and distracting him with something appropriate. That is all that is needed at this age.

   
As their world expands, we begin to teach young children how to avoid dangerous situations themselves. This involves setting limits, creating boundaries- teaching discipline.

Discipline does not necessarily mean punishment. It can be characterized as a rule or set of rules governing conduct, involving self-control, will power, and consequence. It provides clarity and stability and intention and safety, which are necessary in the pursuit and fulfillment of our highest potential. Without discipline, our world is chaos and we become so burdened by confusion and distraction that it becomes difficult to follow any path, let alone to create and pursue meaningful life goals.

    
Raising well behaved and successful kids is hard work that takes the better part of twenty years of vigilance and consistent guidance. We must learn how to mold their behavior in a way that is effective in teaching them to successfully cope in this world, and lays the ground work for positive learning in all areas of their lives. Being clear and consistent about expectations and consequences regarding behavior eliminates much of the ambiguity that can interfere with having a fully satisfying life.
 

• If you destroy that in anger, you will have to use your allowance to replace it.
• If you're not careful with your library books, the librarian won't let you borrow more.
• If you are mean to your friends, they won't want to be your friends anymore.
• If you don't do your homework, you'll get behind and it will be harder to learn the material.
• If you spend all of your money on candy, it will take longer to save for that toy you want.

   
Over the years I have noticed a definite shift in the current approach to parenting. So many parents are more concerned with being a child's friend than being the one who enforces (self) discipline.

    
In the more extreme cases, there is no attempt to correct inappropriate behavior. These parents believe that it is best to allow kids to fully express themselves in the way that the child sees fit, and that by interfering with his actions, they are somehow limiting the capacity for him to be who he is.

    
As a result these kids tend to walk all over their parents, becoming the literal ruler of the home-(”You can't tell me what to do-I'll come when I'm good and ready”). These children may be inclined to show little consideration for the rights and property of others, steamrolling their way through public venues and other people's homes. Meanwhile the parents are helpless to intervene, if not oblivious to the upheaval their kids are creating.

    
At the other end of the continuum is the over protective, controlling parent who doesn't let their child out of their sight, limits activities for fear of injury to the child, demands perfection in every endeavor, or constantly steps in on the child's behalf, thereby not allowing him a chance to work things out for himself or to learn from his mistakes.

    
Neither one of these approaches is fair to the child.

Kids want to be given guidelines and to know what to expect. Toddlers begin to understand the meaning of no; indeed, it is one of their first words! And everyone has observed a little one mischievously, or defiantly look the parent or caregiver in the eye and proceed to do the very thing he has been cautioned not to do.

    
When creating rules and boundaries for young toddlers and preschoolers, remember that the bottom line is Safety. Little kids can make sense of this. 

• Biting, hitting, kicking, pinching, pushing and throwing things at people hurt. It's never okay to hurt someone.
• Keep your toys picked up so no one trips on them and gets hurt.
• Matches and lighters can burn you and start fires. They are never for playing with.
• Sharp things cut people. Knives and scissors are not for children, unless a grown-up says it's okay and is paying attention.
• Don't go near the pool/pond/river without a grown up: children need supervision near water because it's not safe.
• Jumping on the furniture is dangerous- it's not safe to be wild in the house because there just isn't enough room- you might get hurt or break something.

    
Setting limits is good for everyone. A child who has no restrictions, lives in pandemonium; with clear limits he knows where he stands. Being inconsistent confuses him and makes him try harder to get away with everything that he can. Children will test the limits we set, but if we remain consistent, then there is no need for a huge struggle. You both know what the boundaries are, and if they are significantly crossed, there are consequences. It's just the way things are.

Disciplining your child: It's not what you think.

When expecting our first child, we make certain basic preparations. We read parenting books, obtain a crib, stroller, car seat, high chair, layette. If both parents hold jobs, childcare arrangements must be made; new living arrangements, perhaps; a bigger car...

    
Having children forces us to reconsider and rethink everyday matters that we take for granted, as it becomes necessary to create a safe environment. We need to put covers in electrical outlets; locks on drawers and cabinets; keep dangerous objects (chords, sharps, glass...) out of reach; cleaning supplies, medications, and other hazardous materials locked away. We constantly scan for objects a little one might choke on; enclose areas that might be harmful; gate the stairways...

     
 In the beginning, our main concern is to keep these vulnerable little folk safe and cared for in a way that babies are incapable of doing for themselves. Paying close attention to details involving basic safety becomes second nature. We become disciplined in remaining vigilant.

     
Even as babies become mobile, they are not ready to learn what is and is not okay to get into. Punishment is pointless- a slap does not teach a baby not to do something. She feels only the pain, coming from the one she looks to for safety and comfort.

  
Babies and toddlers are curious and get into everything. We must eliminate temptations—put knick knacks up; video equipment, and stereos out of reach. When an active baby or young toddler approaches danger, the best intervention is to remove the child from the area while calming telling him no, and distracting him with something appropriate. That is all that is needed at this age.

   
As their world expands, we begin to teach young children how to avoid dangerous situations themselves. This involves setting limits, creating boundaries- teaching discipline.

Discipline does not necessarily mean punishment. It can be characterized as a rule or set of rules governing conduct, involving self-control, will power, and consequence. It provides clarity and stability and intention and safety, which are necessary in the pursuit and fulfillment of our highest potential. Without discipline, our world is chaos and we become so burdened by confusion and distraction that it becomes difficult to follow any path, let alone to create and pursue meaningful life goals.

    
Raising well behaved and successful kids is hard work that takes the better part of twenty years of vigilance and consistent guidance. We must learn how to mold their behavior in a way that is effective in teaching them to successfully cope in this world, and lays the ground work for positive learning in all areas of their lives. Being clear and consistent about expectations and consequences regarding behavior eliminates much of the ambiguity that can interfere with having a fully satisfying life.
 

• If you destroy that in anger, you will have to use your allowance to replace it.
• If you're not careful with your library books, the librarian won't let you borrow more.
• If you are mean to your friends, they won't want to be your friends anymore.
• If you don't do your homework, you'll get behind and it will be harder to learn the material.
• If you spend all of your money on candy, it will take longer to save for that toy you want.

   
Over the years I have noticed a definite shift in the current approach to parenting. So many parents are more concerned with being a child's friend than being the one who enforces (self) discipline.

    
In the more extreme cases, there is no attempt to correct inappropriate behavior. These parents believe that it is best to allow kids to fully express themselves in the way that the child sees fit, and that by interfering with his actions, they are somehow limiting the capacity for him to be who he is.

    
As a result these kids tend to walk all over their parents, becoming the literal ruler of the home-(”You can't tell me what to do-I'll come when I'm good and ready”). These children may be inclined to show little consideration for the rights and property of others, steamrolling their way through public venues and other people's homes. Meanwhile the parents are helpless to intervene, if not oblivious to the upheaval their kids are creating.

    
At the other end of the continuum is the over protective, controlling parent who doesn't let their child out of their sight, limits activities for fear of injury to the child, demands perfection in every endeavor, or constantly steps in on the child's behalf, thereby not allowing him a chance to work things out for himself or to learn from his mistakes.

    
Neither one of these approaches is fair to the child.

Kids want to be given guidelines and to know what to expect. Toddlers begin to understand the meaning of no; indeed, it is one of their first words! And everyone has observed a little one mischievously, or defiantly look the parent or caregiver in the eye and proceed to do the very thing he has been cautioned not to do.

    
When creating rules and boundaries for young toddlers and preschoolers, remember that the bottom line is Safety. Little kids can make sense of this. 

• Biting, hitting, kicking, pinching, pushing and throwing things at people hurt. It's never okay to hurt someone.
• Keep your toys picked up so no one trips on them and gets hurt.
• Matches and lighters can burn you and start fires. They are never for playing with.
• Sharp things cut people. Knives and scissors are not for children, unless a grown-up says it's okay and is paying attention.
• Don't go near the pool/pond/river without a grown up: children need supervision near water because it's not safe.
• Jumping on the furniture is dangerous- it's not safe to be wild in the house because there just isn't enough room- you might get hurt or break something.

    
Setting limits is good for everyone. A child who has no restrictions, lives in pandemonium; with clear limits he knows where he stands. Being inconsistent confuses him and makes him try harder to get away with everything that he can. Children will test the limits we set, but if we remain consistent, then there is no need for a huge struggle. You both know what the boundaries are, and if they are significantly crossed, there are consequences. It's just the way things are.

Creativity Rediscovered

How do you respond when someone asks for your creative involvement in a project?

    

Too many times when I mention to acquaintances the possibility of dabbling in art, the response is, “I don’t have a creative bone in my body- I can’t draw a straight line!”

      

I usually feel all thumbs myself when asked to put crayon to paper. And certainly it goes back to when I was a child and thought that my art was quite lovely, until it was Jane Colony's work that was spot lighted time after time. One of my best drawings was a winter wonderland pastel I made in fifth grade, but someone tore it off the wall in the hallway and it got trampled. This is the perfect metaphor for what happens to most of us as the creative genius of early childhood becomes stifled.

     

Kids love to make art. Children progress through the stages of scribbling and their first attempts at self portrait, to discover that one can draw almost anything simply by putting shapes together. They may learn how to draw rockets or sharks or flamingos or dinosaurs, and this is what they draw...over and over and over and over.

Left to their own devices, they finally move on to experiment by sketching different things with such abandon as to use every scrap of paper available. Until that inevitable time when self-consciousness tries like the dickens to squelch the radiance of who we are meant to be.

      

We become so concerned with what other people are thinking about us that we come to fear the full expression of who we are because someone might laugh or disapprove of us- if not in reality, certainly in our minds. So we hold ourselves back, disqualifying our thoughts and creations before someone else can. When in reality it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.

       

Nurture your child's creativity by providing a comfortable atmosphere where s/he can discover, experiment and explore. Establish a space- a room, corner, or table, to be the designated art area to keep and use their arts and crafts independently, Allow your child the freedom to create away from your constant supervision. Provide an endless supply of “stuff” including crayons, markers, paint, paper, scissors, glue, tape, clay, natural materials (shells, pebbles, feathers, pine cones) and reusable stuff (bows, spools, boxes, egg cartons).

       

As you provide opportunities for your child to experiment and discover his/her creativity, it is important to set guidelines. For example:

• Art materials are not to be wasted and to be kept in the art area at all times.
• Do not put paste, paint, glue, chalk, or any other materials in your mouth- they are not for eating, drinking or tasting.
• Work only on your own project and only on the paper you are given.
• Don't forget to wear a smock for messy projects!

Set limits early on, with the expectation that they clean up and put their things away each time they use them. You will need to demonstrate the proper way to wash paint brushes, close bottles of glue, and replace marker covers securely. If you show by your attitude that you sincerely trust your child, s/he will be careful. 

As your child practices expressing himself some encouragement may be called for: “I bet if you practice on a different piece of paper, it will come out the way you want it to,” or “If you make a mistake, usually you can turn it into something even better than it was before.”

       

I have seen kids who are otherwise unable to sit still or focus on anything for more than a few minutes, let go of outside distraction and focus on the creative spirit that is within each of us. Being creative in a nonthreatening environment instills a sense of peace, a connection with something greater than ourselves, and the greatness of our own Self! 

(RDW 2007, revised 2010)

http://growingplaceswithkids.blogspot.com/p/expressivearts-beneficial-toeducation.html

Creativity Rediscovered

How do you respond when someone asks for your creative involvement in a project?

    

Too many times when I mention to acquaintances the possibility of dabbling in art, the response is, “I don’t have a creative bone in my body- I can’t draw a straight line!”

      

I usually feel all thumbs myself when asked to put crayon to paper. And certainly it goes back to when I was a child and thought that my art was quite lovely, until it was Jane Colony's work that was spot lighted time after time. One of my best drawings was a winter wonderland pastel I made in fifth grade, but someone tore it off the wall in the hallway and it got trampled. This is the perfect metaphor for what happens to most of us as the creative genius of early childhood becomes stifled.

     

Kids love to make art. Children progress through the stages of scribbling and their first attempts at self portrait, to discover that one can draw almost anything simply by putting shapes together. They may learn how to draw rockets or sharks or flamingos or dinosaurs, and this is what they draw...over and over and over and over.

Left to their own devices, they finally move on to experiment by sketching different things with such abandon as to use every scrap of paper available. Until that inevitable time when self-consciousness tries like the dickens to squelch the radiance of who we are meant to be.

      

We become so concerned with what other people are thinking about us that we come to fear the full expression of who we are because someone might laugh or disapprove of us- if not in reality, certainly in our minds. So we hold ourselves back, disqualifying our thoughts and creations before someone else can. When in reality it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.

       

Nurture your child's creativity by providing a comfortable atmosphere where s/he can discover, experiment and explore. Establish a space- a room, corner, or table, to be the designated art area to keep and use their arts and crafts independently, Allow your child the freedom to create away from your constant supervision. Provide an endless supply of “stuff” including crayons, markers, paint, paper, scissors, glue, tape, clay, natural materials (shells, pebbles, feathers, pine cones) and reusable stuff (bows, spools, boxes, egg cartons).

       

As you provide opportunities for your child to experiment and discover his/her creativity, it is important to set guidelines. For example:

• Art materials are not to be wasted and to be kept in the art area at all times.
• Do not put paste, paint, glue, chalk, or any other materials in your mouth- they are not for eating, drinking or tasting.
• Work only on your own project and only on the paper you are given.
• Don't forget to wear a smock for messy projects!

Set limits early on, with the expectation that they clean up and put their things away each time they use them. You will need to demonstrate the proper way to wash paint brushes, close bottles of glue, and replace marker covers securely. If you show by your attitude that you sincerely trust your child, s/he will be careful. 

As your child practices expressing himself some encouragement may be called for: “I bet if you practice on a different piece of paper, it will come out the way you want it to,” or “If you make a mistake, usually you can turn it into something even better than it was before.”

       

I have seen kids who are otherwise unable to sit still or focus on anything for more than a few minutes, let go of outside distraction and focus on the creative spirit that is within each of us. Being creative in a nonthreatening environment instills a sense of peace, a connection with something greater than ourselves, and the greatness of our own Self! 

(RDW 2007, revised 2010)

http://growingplaceswithkids.blogspot.com/p/expressivearts-beneficial-toeducation.html

Rules for the Road

The wicked fear that was instilled in me from that young age affected me for many years. This can be avoided by approaching topics of safety (road and fire safety, stranger danger, etc.) in a calm and matter of fact way during the course of our daily activities.

Whether you live in a residential neighborhood or in the country, it is a good idea to walk around town with your child periodically so that s/he has an opportunity to experience first hand the importance of “rules for the road”.

Here are some of the points to be made in your day to day travels:

• Teach your child to “Stop, Look, and Listen, before you cross the street. Use your eyes, use your ears, and then use your feet.” Repeat this rhyme every time you cross the street so that it becomes automatic. 

• Discuss the importance of crossing with an adult who loves him/her, because drivers don't always see little people on the road.  
• Talk about the dangers of chasing balls, pets, other kids into the road.  
• Explain the reasons for cross walks and traffic lights. When you are at a traffic light, be sure to obey the “don't walk” light whether or not there is any traffic, for you are setting an example, and young children don't have the experience to determine whether there is enough time to cross before the car down the street reaches the crosswalk.
• Demonstrate looking over your shoulder to see if a car is coming from behind at the intersection. 
•  Tell your child that running across the street is never a good idea because s/he may trip in front of on-coming traffic.  
• Talk about the risk involved in darting into a parking lot or between vehicles: “Drivers are not expecting little children to appear from between parked cars and you     might get hit.” 

As children become a little older they may run ahead of you on the side walk. Set a limit as to how far ahead they can go (e.g., to the next driveway, or the corner, or the second tree). Get them into the habit of stopping at each driveway to check for traffic.

If the kids are riding bikes, they need to be wearing helmets (it's the law!); and to stay on the sidewalk, always checking driveways. Be sure to remind them that sidewalks are for walkers first, and that they need to stop and wait for someone on foot to pass.

These are all things that we take for granted, but it seems that there is a whole generation of kids that were never taught road etiquette. How often do we hear the squeal of brakes; or curse under our breath at the kids walking, riding, skating down the middle of the road as if they own it; or stepping out into oncoming traffic assuming that the driver will stop for them. Little do they know whether this is a student driver lacking experience behind the wheel, or an elderly person whose sight and reflexes aren't what they used to be. It may be someone distracted by their sound system or telephone, or driving while intoxicated.

We often forget that something which becomes so second nature to us as adults, must be taught with care, and learned by example. And that a refresher “course” may be in order as the children grow older. 

RDW. 2003; revised 2010

Rules for the Road

The wicked fear that was instilled in me from that young age affected me for many years. This can be avoided by approaching topics of safety (road and fire safety, stranger danger, etc.) in a calm and matter of fact way during the course of our daily activities.

Whether you live in a residential neighborhood or in the country, it is a good idea to walk around town with your child periodically so that s/he has an opportunity to experience first hand the importance of “rules for the road”.

Here are some of the points to be made in your day to day travels:

• Teach your child to “Stop, Look, and Listen, before you cross the street. Use your eyes, use your ears, and then use your feet.” Repeat this rhyme every time you cross the street so that it becomes automatic. 

• Discuss the importance of crossing with an adult who loves him/her, because drivers don't always see little people on the road.  
• Talk about the dangers of chasing balls, pets, other kids into the road.  
• Explain the reasons for cross walks and traffic lights. When you are at a traffic light, be sure to obey the “don't walk” light whether or not there is any traffic, for you are setting an example, and young children don't have the experience to determine whether there is enough time to cross before the car down the street reaches the crosswalk.
• Demonstrate looking over your shoulder to see if a car is coming from behind at the intersection. 
•  Tell your child that running across the street is never a good idea because s/he may trip in front of on-coming traffic.  
• Talk about the risk involved in darting into a parking lot or between vehicles: “Drivers are not expecting little children to appear from between parked cars and you     might get hit.” 

As children become a little older they may run ahead of you on the side walk. Set a limit as to how far ahead they can go (e.g., to the next driveway, or the corner, or the second tree). Get them into the habit of stopping at each driveway to check for traffic.

If the kids are riding bikes, they need to be wearing helmets (it's the law!); and to stay on the sidewalk, always checking driveways. Be sure to remind them that sidewalks are for walkers first, and that they need to stop and wait for someone on foot to pass.

These are all things that we take for granted, but it seems that there is a whole generation of kids that were never taught road etiquette. How often do we hear the squeal of brakes; or curse under our breath at the kids walking, riding, skating down the middle of the road as if they own it; or stepping out into oncoming traffic assuming that the driver will stop for them. Little do they know whether this is a student driver lacking experience behind the wheel, or an elderly person whose sight and reflexes aren't what they used to be. It may be someone distracted by their sound system or telephone, or driving while intoxicated.

We often forget that something which becomes so second nature to us as adults, must be taught with care, and learned by example. And that a refresher “course” may be in order as the children grow older. 

RDW. 2003; revised 2010

Easing the transition when your child starts school

One of the most important rites of passage for both parents and children happens when we send our little darlings off to school for the first time. What an exciting, scary, bittersweet time for parent and child.

     
Some children march off to school and have no trouble whatsoever settling in. For others, it can be more traumatic. And there is nothing worse than leaving your child in the throes of separation and stranger anxiety when you want so desperately to relieve them of this despair.

     
My son happily went off to school for the first three days of kindergarten. But the following Monday he decided he had had enough. When we started out to meet the bus, he ran around the house and in through the back door sobbing that he wanted to stay home. My neighbor stepped in, bless her heart, walking and cajoling him to the bus stop. That was the day I cried.

     
If your child's anxiety gets the better of them, you will be faced with the agony of tearing yourself away as s/he is begging you not to leave. Their apprehension is so understandable when you consider that this is a whole new experience and your child has no idea what to expect.

     
Following are some ideas that may help in the transition for you and your child.

     
Before the first day, plan to visit the school with your little person during a day when the teacher is in the classroom. A Visitors Week or some other event is sometimes set up for this purpose. Otherwise, call the school and leave a message for the teacher to call and arrange a convenient time to visit.

     
There are numerous story books about starting school. Helping a child to visualize beforehand what will occur, is very beneficial. The Kissing Hand, a lovely story by Audrey Penn, is especially helpful in dealing with separation anxiety, and worth reading with your child before school starts.

     
Finding a small token for your child to keep in their pocket to remind them that you love them and will be back soon can be a great comfort.

     
Make a special day of your child’s first day in school. Start the day with a nutritious breakfast of eggs or fruit and toast or whole grain cereal. A breakfast loaded with sugar merely aggravates the emotional upheaval your little one experiences and will make things more difficult for your child, yourself, and the teacher.

     
If your child wants to bring their favorite doll or stuffed animal to keep them company, let them. Explain that if this little “friend” is too disruptive, the doll or teddy may have to wait in their backpack until it is time to go home.

     
The first day of preschool or kindergarten is often shortened to allow the children to gradually become accustomed to this new environment. Tell your child that you will be back when it's time to go home. Give them a frame of reference as to how long that will be (e.g., if it is going to be an hour, say, “That's how long Sesame Street is on.”)

     
Plan with your child that when you come back, you will have a special date and go out for lunch or to the playground.

     
Talk about your child’s feelings. (“It’s a little bit scary when…” or “ I feel that way sometimes too, but you know what? It always, always gets better.”) When I tell young children that I always feel shy on the first day, it validates their feelings and empowers them to feel braver.

     
Tell your child that some kids become upset when their parents leave, and suggest that if that happens, they can make a special effort to make friends with that child.

     
Even if a child is distraught, it is much easier for all of you if you just leave (although sneaking out is usually not a good idea). Your hesitation just proves that there is reason to be afraid!

     
Do not let your child see you cry in this situation.

     
A child’s distress passes much more quickly if you make a clean break. Once when my husband and I were leaving one of the kids with a sitter, when we left them in his room he was crying- until we reached the first landing.

     
When you bring your child in the morning, explain that when it’s time for you (the parent) to leave, you will leave, but will be back when it's time to go home. Then leave! More often than not, a child is distracted enough within the first five minutes to enjoy the day so much that he doesn't want to leave when it is time to go.

     
In the parking lot after they have deposited their children, parents sometimes organize meeting for coffee. What better time to support one another in a time of doubt, and start meeting the parents of your child's new friends?

-RDW (2005, revised 2010)

Easing the transition when your child starts school

One of the most important rites of passage for both parents and children happens when we send our little darlings off to school for the first time. What an exciting, scary, bittersweet time for parent and child.

     
Some children march off to school and have no trouble whatsoever settling in. For others, it can be more traumatic. And there is nothing worse than leaving your child in the throes of separation and stranger anxiety when you want so desperately to relieve them of this despair.

     
My son happily went off to school for the first three days of kindergarten. But the following Monday he decided he had had enough. When we started out to meet the bus, he ran around the house and in through the back door sobbing that he wanted to stay home. My neighbor stepped in, bless her heart, walking and cajoling him to the bus stop. That was the day I cried.

     
If your child's anxiety gets the better of them, you will be faced with the agony of tearing yourself away as s/he is begging you not to leave. Their apprehension is so understandable when you consider that this is a whole new experience and your child has no idea what to expect.

     
Following are some ideas that may help in the transition for you and your child.

     
Before the first day, plan to visit the school with your little person during a day when the teacher is in the classroom. A Visitors Week or some other event is sometimes set up for this purpose. Otherwise, call the school and leave a message for the teacher to call and arrange a convenient time to visit.

     
There are numerous story books about starting school. Helping a child to visualize beforehand what will occur, is very beneficial. The Kissing Hand, a lovely story by Audrey Penn, is especially helpful in dealing with separation anxiety, and worth reading with your child before school starts.

     
Finding a small token for your child to keep in their pocket to remind them that you love them and will be back soon can be a great comfort.

     
Make a special day of your child’s first day in school. Start the day with a nutritious breakfast of eggs or fruit and toast or whole grain cereal. A breakfast loaded with sugar merely aggravates the emotional upheaval your little one experiences and will make things more difficult for your child, yourself, and the teacher.

     
If your child wants to bring their favorite doll or stuffed animal to keep them company, let them. Explain that if this little “friend” is too disruptive, the doll or teddy may have to wait in their backpack until it is time to go home.

     
The first day of preschool or kindergarten is often shortened to allow the children to gradually become accustomed to this new environment. Tell your child that you will be back when it's time to go home. Give them a frame of reference as to how long that will be (e.g., if it is going to be an hour, say, “That's how long Sesame Street is on.”)

     
Plan with your child that when you come back, you will have a special date and go out for lunch or to the playground.

     
Talk about your child’s feelings. (“It’s a little bit scary when…” or “ I feel that way sometimes too, but you know what? It always, always gets better.”) When I tell young children that I always feel shy on the first day, it validates their feelings and empowers them to feel braver.

     
Tell your child that some kids become upset when their parents leave, and suggest that if that happens, they can make a special effort to make friends with that child.

     
Even if a child is distraught, it is much easier for all of you if you just leave (although sneaking out is usually not a good idea). Your hesitation just proves that there is reason to be afraid!

     
Do not let your child see you cry in this situation.

     
A child’s distress passes much more quickly if you make a clean break. Once when my husband and I were leaving one of the kids with a sitter, when we left them in his room he was crying- until we reached the first landing.

     
When you bring your child in the morning, explain that when it’s time for you (the parent) to leave, you will leave, but will be back when it's time to go home. Then leave! More often than not, a child is distracted enough within the first five minutes to enjoy the day so much that he doesn't want to leave when it is time to go.

     
In the parking lot after they have deposited their children, parents sometimes organize meeting for coffee. What better time to support one another in a time of doubt, and start meeting the parents of your child's new friends?

-RDW (2005, revised 2010)

We all make mistakes

All too often in our struggles to maintain control over a situation, we lose perspective. There are times when what starts out to be a minor annoyance gets blown up out of proportion as a result of the exhaustion and frustration of our day. We have all been in a situation where emotions run so high that they no longer reflect the issue at hand. Something else in our lives (a previous grudge, anger with a spouse, stress at work, financial worries) has impeded our ability respond appropriately.

As a result of hanging on to the residue of hurt and resentment from an earlier interaction, we make mistakes. We respond inappropriately, or misjudge a situation and make false accusations.

       
Once when I was 8 years old, my mother misunderstood what I said and was convinced that I had used a curse word. She slapped me across the face and forbade me to attend a street fair that we had looked forward to for months, sending me instead to spend the day in my room.

      
She would not listen to my side of the story, and the punishment so far exceeded the crime. This did not teach me not to swear, but that the world is an unfair place and if I'm going to be punished for nothing, maybe I should do naughty things so at least I will deserve the punishment.

       
When we are completely frazzled at the end of a long day, we are more likely to respond inappropriately as we reach the end of our rope. We tend to forget that the little people in our lives are only 3 or 6 years old, and that their lack of response is not necessarily a conscious ploy to test or disobey.

       
Once after nagging my son to pick up his toys, to no avail, I stormed into the play room and said, “You want to play in a mess? I'll give you a mess!”, and proceeded to dump every last toy in the room onto the floor.

       
I was so embarrassed and ashamed of myself! On some level I had realized things were spiraling beyond the limits of rationality, but didn't have the wherewithal to take appropriate action or let go of it. After a few minutes I went back to apologize, and we put the toys away together.

       
Parenting is such an important and difficult job. Usually, the only training we receive is the example set by our own parents. There is no mandatory preparation for dealing with the multitude of situations that arise. We have to make on the spot decisions, and at times we simply react without thinking something through. Even the best and most well-intentioned of parents sometimes act in ways that are harmful to a child. We all make mistakes.

       
Once when the kids were small it became too quiet in the other room, and upon further investigation I discovered my son and the little girl from down the street playing “doctor”. I knew what they were doing, but rather than telling them that this was not okay and letting it go at that, I proceeded to insist that they tell me what they were doing. A deeply humiliated five-year-old ran home in tears, telling her mother that she was never coming back to our house, ever again!

       
Thankfully, I realized my mistake and sent the child a note of apology, after which she continued to run through the house with all the other neighborhood kids as if they were part of the family. Years later she told me how much that note meant to her at the time.

      
Don’t think that it is beneath your dignity to apologize. An honest apology when something like this happens serves to make amends, allows children to see that we all make mistakes, and makes it easier to let go of the guilt we are all too willing as parents to heap upon ourselves. -RDW (7-5-10)

We all make mistakes

All too often in our struggles to maintain control over a situation, we lose perspective. There are times when what starts out to be a minor annoyance gets blown up out of proportion as a result of the exhaustion and frustration of our day. We have all been in a situation where emotions run so high that they no longer reflect the issue at hand. Something else in our lives (a previous grudge, anger with a spouse, stress at work, financial worries) has impeded our ability respond appropriately.

As a result of hanging on to the residue of hurt and resentment from an earlier interaction, we make mistakes. We respond inappropriately, or misjudge a situation and make false accusations.

       
Once when I was 8 years old, my mother misunderstood what I said and was convinced that I had used a curse word. She slapped me across the face and forbade me to attend a street fair that we had looked forward to for months, sending me instead to spend the day in my room.

      
She would not listen to my side of the story, and the punishment so far exceeded the crime. This did not teach me not to swear, but that the world is an unfair place and if I'm going to be punished for nothing, maybe I should do naughty things so at least I will deserve the punishment.

       
When we are completely frazzled at the end of a long day, we are more likely to respond inappropriately as we reach the end of our rope. We tend to forget that the little people in our lives are only 3 or 6 years old, and that their lack of response is not necessarily a conscious ploy to test or disobey.

       
Once after nagging my son to pick up his toys, to no avail, I stormed into the play room and said, “You want to play in a mess? I'll give you a mess!”, and proceeded to dump every last toy in the room onto the floor.

       
I was so embarrassed and ashamed of myself! On some level I had realized things were spiraling beyond the limits of rationality, but didn't have the wherewithal to take appropriate action or let go of it. After a few minutes I went back to apologize, and we put the toys away together.

       
Parenting is such an important and difficult job. Usually, the only training we receive is the example set by our own parents. There is no mandatory preparation for dealing with the multitude of situations that arise. We have to make on the spot decisions, and at times we simply react without thinking something through. Even the best and most well-intentioned of parents sometimes act in ways that are harmful to a child. We all make mistakes.

       
Once when the kids were small it became too quiet in the other room, and upon further investigation I discovered my son and the little girl from down the street playing “doctor”. I knew what they were doing, but rather than telling them that this was not okay and letting it go at that, I proceeded to insist that they tell me what they were doing. A deeply humiliated five-year-old ran home in tears, telling her mother that she was never coming back to our house, ever again!

       
Thankfully, I realized my mistake and sent the child a note of apology, after which she continued to run through the house with all the other neighborhood kids as if they were part of the family. Years later she told me how much that note meant to her at the time.

      
Don’t think that it is beneath your dignity to apologize. An honest apology when something like this happens serves to make amends, allows children to see that we all make mistakes, and makes it easier to let go of the guilt we are all too willing as parents to heap upon ourselves. -RDW (7-5-10)