Final Blessings

Traveling through the Berkshires on Amtrak, I’m on my way to see my sick father. Dad has pancreatic cancer and is back in the hospital with severe vomiting, dehydration, hyper-hydration, low blood pressure, congestive heart failure, intestinal bleeding, high bilirubin, weight loss... Thankfully, he doesn’t seem to be in much pain. We may be facing the beginning of the end.

I feel awful: guilty and regretful, that my life circumstances have not allowed me to be more involved in his day to day care; jealous of the fact that I will not be allowed the opportunity to spend much anticipated alone time with him; and terribly sad that he is getting so sick so fast. 

 

I’m faced with this struggle of negative, childish feeling and supreme sense of inadequacy that is so prevalent when I am with my family of origin, and give myself the ritual pep talk. I have a role of my own in this drama. I’m here to listen to and support Dad and my sisters and brother. I am told that my daily letters are "the high point in his days.”

I seek Spirit guidance in staying in the light: stopping negative self talk and projection, thinking before I speak, making the most of my time with Dad. I would love to be able to make disappear the competition and comparison and rivalry that has remained an undercurrent in the relationship between the five of us siblings. I remind myself that Dad admires me for who I am: for having overcome great difficulty, and for having the initiative to do something important with my life.

When I do finally get my wish for the one-on-one time I have so craved, I'm the good guy because he is being discharged from the hospital on my "shift". Dad is visiting his apartment for a short while now  When people see how well he is doing, their jaws drop because a week ago he was in such bad shape.  He is one pissed off boy, as is typical for someone in his position, but it is very difficult being the brunt of his anger.

Once Dad returns to his apartment, the days drag by ever so slowly. At times I feel like I’m on vacation- when he is in good spirits and not treating us like shit, he can be a real pleasure. But try to get him to take his meds as directed, or to use his cane or walker as he stumbles about, and I just want to walk out and leave him to his own devices. I don’t know how my sisters have done it week after week all summer. I’m grateful though that Dad fought (yes fought!) his way back home. His first day back I am so happy to see him in his chair that I almost start to cry.

Time here is a reality check in letting go. I can remind Dad of the things he needs to do, but if he falls or has an oil spill (i.e., leaks an oily substance into his pants as a result of not taking medication with meals), the consequences of his inaction will be clear enough. (Likewise, my teenage sons do what they’re going to do in my extended absence.) The most I can do is make sure that I’m doing the next right thing.

 

Dad's home, but has gone down hill in a big way in just the last few days.  I was happy to have him at home at all, because I really didn't think that I would ever be here with him again.  I greatly fear a downward spiral and feel so powerless.

*****

Shortly after my return home following visit with Dad, a friend and I are shopping at a large fabric store, and I have an episode whereby cloth becomes brighter, tilting in a weird way… I wonder if I am having a seizure, think: “Wow, feels like I’m on drugs, this is pretty cool, what is going on, oohhh, I don’t feel so good.” I get dizzy, break out into a cold sweat, and barely reaching the bench, grab a bag of M&M’s on the way. Low blood sugar? What is going on??? Later my sister calls to tell me of the episode that Dad had, winding up on the bathroom floor, at the same time I almost passed out.

Dad is terribly sick, although Nancy has seen to it that he has remained at home, as is his wish. I wind up having 45 minutes notice to make flight reservations, arrangements for coverage in my classroom, pack, and find a ride to the airport.

Once there, I find there are moments that I need to distance myself from my siblings and get the hell out of Dad’s apartment. He has an apartment in a lovely retirement community, attached to which is an assisted living and nursing facility. By chance I meet elderly gentleman named Paul , as he is shuffling past Dad’s building, binoculars in hand. We have never met before. In my upset I have to force myself to acknowledge this man, before rushing on. But he looks so frail, and I begin to wonder if he has wandered off unbeknownst to his caregivers. So turning back, I ask if I may join him in his walk. What a dear, dear man. We walk the same walk that I have taken with Dad on numerous occasions. He reminds me through his descriptions of birding adventures, and his wife’s authoritative knowledge of wildflowers that I want to pursue these interests. I share with him my reasons for stopping social work and not becoming certified in education. As we return to the entrance of Dad’s building an hour and a half later, I learn that his wife has died two days previous, and tell him of Dad’s pending death. We share tears and I feel in that moment that Spirit has brought us together in our grief. He tells me how proud Dad is. 

 

Upon my return, I sit writing in the lobby of Dad's building. A neighbor stops to find how things are going. This is the first time we have met. We get into this amazing spiritual discussion about how Mom and the others are joyously awaiting on the other side; Mom is admonishing him to wait until something is finished; that he hangs on waiting for something to happen; that something amazing always comes of even the worst of events... 

 

Thankfully, Dad is comfortable after getting meds into him that he has been refusing until this weekend.  He is amazingly clear and in good spirits most of the time, but continues to hang on waiting for who knows what.  Beth and Catherine are here, and have taken on most of his care.  I pretty much just sit quietly with him so when he wakes up there is someone in the room with him.

The minister has just left. While he praying for Dad, I open my eyes and Dad looks at me wryly as if to say, “What is he talking about?” Then, “That was a beautiful prayer, but I don’t understand why he picked that one.” I comment to his pastor that Dad is still in denial and he replies, “No he isn’t. He’s ready.” So it occurs to me to ask a prayer in the way that I prayed when my first born was a baby. I pray that Dad is welcomed with open arms and celebration as he crosses over. That Mom and his mother and the multitudes of people upon whom he has had such an impact, are lining up to greet him. Please let him know that we will all be fine. I thank him for setting such an amazing example. His generosity and humor and wisdom will travel through future generations.

Early this morning Dad's utterances are heard through the baby monitor in the living room, “I’m afraid to let go.” God be with you Dad. You can go and know that we will be with you always, that your mark here is everlasting. “Oh dear, I don’t want to let go”

 

Dad has a tremendous sense of humor, and has taken great pleasure in shocking people. One of his favorite pieces of advice over the years has been, “Don’t forget your rubbers.” Even when there is no one in the room with him, he is aware of the fact that we remain vigilant through the use of a baby monitor. At one point he sighs, “And he died with a smile on his face and his hand on his pecker.” 

 

I feel so lost here, and focus my energy on just being. I fight my sense of exclusion as my sisters and brother repeatedly put their heads together. Between my lack of involvement in his physical care, and projections of negativity (anger, judgment, resentment, loneliness) I take myself a-wandering through the building. I stop to visit with the woman from the lobby, so comforting had been our previous visit. She gives to me an angel identical to the Hummel that Mom had as I grew up. 

Next, I am sitting out in front of the building, where Dad and I had spent several gorgeous afternoons just a week and a half before. While walking with the elderly gentleman a few days ago, he mentioned that he was surprised by how few birds there were, that he had not seen or heard any on his last couple of walks. I have since noticed the truth of this. This morning however, there are all kinds of birds in the trees, flitting about. And there is a blue jay outside of Dad’s window that sounds for all the world like it is calling his name, “Dick! Dick! Dick!” -Mom?

We think for sure that Dad is on his way. He is going deeper and deeper, and at one point does not respond to my sister's ministrations. Catherine is Dad’s Angel of Mercy, so very gentle and loving as she keeps him medicated. Hospice is called and a social worker comes and yanks poor Dad back. “Where’s the eagle? Where did the bonny eagle go? … behind the black cloud… Did we save your life little boy?” Catherine is so upset: “Nobody goes in that room!” Later I am compelled to go sit with him, against strong expression of disapproval on the part of my sisters, their belief being that our presence is holding him back. All I want is to go sit. I so do not want him to be alone, and in fact at one point he says, “Well here I am, here I am by myself. I’ll go by myself if that’s the way you feel.” They refuse to acknowledge my assertions that we should be with him. I sit against my sisters' wishes, for about an hour and a half, and just before I leave the room I whisper, “Let go Dad. It’s time. They’re waiting and we are going to be fine. It’s ok Dad, just let go.” After I leave the room, he does stop breathing for longer that the usual 50 or 60 seconds, and Beth goes in. After several minutes, he awakens again and is so amazed. He keeps saying over and over, “I’m awake! I’m awake! I was asleep and now I’m awake. God told me that I’m awake. I was asleep.” 

 

The day after he asks about the bonny eagle, Nancy shows us an article in the paper about a horrible accident in which 3 teens, students at Bonny Eagle High School have been killed.

For the rest of the day, he is clearly between here and There. When Pastor comes, he wakes Dad in the first loud voice since his previous rude awakening. “Dick, I’ve come to say good bye.” “Where are you going?” “Nowhere, you’re the one who’s leaving.” “Oh yeah, I’ve already been there and back.” After prayers, I don’t think Dad speaks directly to us again. He speaks of and to people all around the room when there is never more than one or two of us in the room at a time. He repeatedly admonishes, “Nothing mentioned, nothing gained.”

I go to sit with him, holding my book in my lap, staring at the words, when Dad’s breathing becomes more rapid with almost a moan. When I look up there are tears in his eyes. Nancy comes and asks to sit, and I point out that Dad is crying. “Oh my God, he is.” I think, “That’s why he doesn’t want to let go: he loves us, and life too much to leave.” A while later, I read to him in his unconsciousness, from Kahlil Gibran’s The Prophet, on life, love, marriage, children, death. Catherine medicates him; we turn out the lights, and are watching Notting Hill when he dies at 10PM Thursday September 23, 2004. Nancy goes in to check on him and her keening announces his death. Later, Catherine mentions that the sound reminds her of a bird that she isn’t able to identify. Nancy’s reply: “A nightingale pierced by a thorn.”

I have asked Dad to try to “make contact” with me. 

 

As I shop for something to wear to the service, I come across this great red felt hat that actually fits!! I am compelled to wear it for his memorial despite such impropriety in the face of death. After the initial head shaking, the realization that Dad would have loved this brings laughter to his friends. 

 

As we travel to Winchester, the town that is to be his final resting place, the urn holding Dad's ashes rests in my lap. As George Winston's piano rendition of Pachabel's Cannon plays through the car, I am swept back to our walk across the lawn for my marriage. How fitting that the music that signifies him giving me away, plays as I prepare to give him away.

And later, as I wander in search of “something” to give my siblings in remembrance of this huge event in our lives, asking Dad’s guidance, I come across a children’s book called "You're All My Favorite.”

Saturday, October 9, 2004, 4:15AM

“Try to make contact…”

Dad looked at me with wonder when I said that to him a day or two before he died- like yeah, right. Or, maybe I will…

As has been usual since Dad’s passing, I awaken hours early and lay tossing about, falling back into that delicious visionary sleep that occurs early in the morning. Having overslept then, I start instantly awake as Coconut by Harry Nilsson plays on the radio, the subject of music trivia. That had been a particular favorite of Dad’s in the seventies- he even bought the 45. I had sent him a card that made reference to it earlier in the summer. I have repeatedly searched on line for that song since I found that card. I haven't heard that song in 25 years! It's him.

This morning I again awaken, mind a-race with things that I want to make priorities and goals, and things that Dad would do differently to make my business more financially viable.

How perfect.

“Try to make contact…”

I inherited my love for clocks from Dad. One of my fondest memories is of the time he was visiting and on the way to pick up some groceries he slammed on the brakes as I pointed out an old clock in a yard sale. The clock was broken, so as was his custom, he had it repaired and it has since been on our mantle. On a shelf in the next room there is another clock that he has left to me. Since his death, the clock on the mantle has developed a quirk that can be rather annoying. It will strike and continue either until someone turns it off or the clock winds down. So we keep the chimes on that clock turned off. 

One night I am awakened by the endless chiming of that clock. I'm too lazy to get up to turn it off, so it continues it's music for twenty minutes or so before stopping of its own accord. Immediately Dad's brass clock chimes in for another twenty minutes, followed by repeat sessions by both clocks. As the clock on the mantle begins again, I come down stairs and the chimes cease. Dad just wants some company.

*****

My sister e-mails me with a journal entry regarding our growing up and lack of nurturance from our mother as little children. I call her after a futile attempt to gather my thoughts on paper, sharing with her how i go about filling that inner longing for something that is so elusive. I tell her about my toy drawer and my snuggly elephant and how it feels when I hold it close to my heart. I tell her about how I try to give to other kids what I feel they are not getting, and how doing that, having that outlet, fills me; how i believe we need to circulate the loving energy in the universe and that as long as we are vigilent in doing that on a daily basis, what we feel we lost out on as a child is somehow compensated for because we are giving it to someone else who may not have it otherwise, and that is so healing.

Immediately following this conversation I came downstairs and the back yoard is filled with birds: nuthatches, chickadees, woodpeckers, cardinals, tufted titmice. Ben and i are so enthralled. As I re-dial my sister to tell her of this event, I am filled with peace. When I come down, the birds are gone.

Children are for the birds!

The spectacular beauty of winter is not always as obvious as it is after a fresh snowfall, or when the trees glisten with ice. But if you look closely, you will see muted splendor in the reds, browns, golds, and forest green of garden and roadside brush. 

 

On closer observation, you will see that winter vegetation is aflutter with wildlife. Squirrels frolic in the trees and scrabble about in search of hidden nuts; birds flock seeking nourishment. 

 

In order for the birds to survive through winter, they need a sufficient food supply to maintain their high body temperature. Scarcity of food causes a drop in body temperature, often leading a bird to freeze to death. 

 

Children love to observe nature, and setting up a feeding station in your back yard will provide a valuable service to the wildlife in your neighborhood, as well as a memorable learning experience for you and your children. Easy access to binoculars and a field guide for bird identification further enhance the experience.

During the winter, woodpeckers, nuthatches, and chickadees scavenge for hibernating insects in crevices and openings in trees. They benefit from the supplementation of suet (available in meat and pet supply departments of the grocery store). Finches, sparrows, blue jays, juncos, and grosbeaks munch on shrub berries, tree and weed seeds, and flock to seed feeders.

 

Children enjoy looking for tracks left behind by our feathered friends. You will notice that ground varieties of birds (pigeons, starlings, crows, pheasants) have alternating imprints, while hopping or perching birds (sparrows, blue jays, finches, juncos) leave paired tracks in the snow. 

 

Make a trip to the library, and check out a field guide on birds to determine what kinds of seed attract which type of bird. 

 

Get your child involved by stringing popcorn and cranberries. Stale, unsalted popcorn is best. Cut an orange in half and remove the fruit. The remaining skin forms a cup ideal for holding bird seed. Hang the seed filled “cup” from a tree and birds will be attracted to the bright color! String bits of dried doughnut, bread, and pieces of fruit (orange, apple, raisins) to add to variety and make interesting decorations for the shrubs on your property. Discarded Christmas trees may be relegated to the back yard for this purpose.

Before long your family will be identifying bird by bird. Even toddlers will no longer exclaim “look at the birdie”, but “look at the nuthatch!”, or “look at the junco!” The delight on little faces as they learn to recognize the different varieties of birds provides one of those “snapshots” we keep in our mind for years to come. My little friend Kyle was thrilled to observe, “That chickadee knows it's name!” My eldest became such nature enthusiast that he would save his allowance for weeks and then agonize over which field guide to buy next.

 

When feeding the birds, squirrels can be a tremendous annoyance as they pilfer the food you have intended for the birds. There are special feeders which make it difficult for them to raid seed set out for the birds. A left-over handful of holiday nuts, or wildlife food found in the bird seed section of stores, will help to distract the squirrels from your feeder. Observe how they communicate “through the grapevine” as these bushy tailed critters scamper from all over the neighborhood within minutes of discovering these treats! 

 

If you decide to feed the birds, please remember! They will become accustomed to feeding in your yard, and may starve if they are disappointed. If you plan to be away, get a neighbor to care for them in your absence. Also, the object is to keep the birds, and not the neighborhood cats, nourished and satisfied! Be sure to put a bell on your Kitty's collar, and encourage your neighbors to do the same!

- RDW (2003, revised 2010)

Priming the pump when your well runs dry

In our day to day whizzing about, our feet hit the floor running. Work; kids; relationships; meal planning, shopping, and preparation; laundry; cleaning; errands; ferrying people about; making and keeping appointments; volunteering; providing a shoulder to cry on... 
 

We give and give and give, sooner or later to have nothing left to sustain ourselves, let alone anyone else. Then where are we, and all of those who depend on us? 
 

The problem is that we think we don't have the time, the money, or deserve to do the types of things that are indispensable in keeping us sane. They need not be time consuming or expensive. And it's not necessary to resort to alcohol or other chemicals for relief or relaxation.

• Pamper yourself. Light some candles, put on some relaxing music, and luxuriate in a bubble bath (you've seen what a nice bath will do for wound up kids).  

• Go to a beauty salon just to get your hair washed, or find someone willing to sit quietly and brush your hair or rub your feet.

• Visit a library or book store. Browse an area that is of special interest, be it travel, art, garden, cooking, poetry, inspirational, or some other topic of wonder. Children's books are great fun to look at. You may come across one from your childhood; certainly you will discover some new ones with stories or illustrations that will take your breath away or bring tears to your eyes.

• Allow yourself daily contact with nature. Smell the flowers, the fresh cut grass, the soil. Look up through the branches of a tree and drink in the many shades of green as the sunlight filters through the leaves. Revel in the gentle breeze, the bird song, the crickets and cicadas making their music. Watch the squirrels and their antics, the sparrows tormenting the crows. Visit the spider that is bound to be spinning a web someplace in the yard. Wonder at how all of life has its own routines and boundaries...

• Get yourself some really nice colored pencils and a coloring book geared toward calming the frazzled minds of adults- Roger Burrows' Images, OptiDesigns, Mandalas, Coloring Books for Women. Coloring is very relaxing.

You may notice that I tend to suggest things that seem more appropriate for children. We all have an inner child and being able to access him/her is very useful in connecting on a deeper level with the children in our lives. Not only that, but we can give ourselves the nurturance we wanted and may not have gotten as a child. 
 

That said, it is my firm belief that even adults should have a stash of toys of their very own. I keep a drawer of toys in my office: bubbles, slide whistle, magic wand filled with glitter, slinky, kaleidoscope, magnet sculpture, Jacob’s ladder, Koosh ball, and a snugly stuffed animal that is actually a comfort to me when I am sad or lonely. My personal favorite is a hand held labyrinth that serves to collect my thoughts when they scatter following intense and extended concentration, or spending a few hours in the company of several children all vying for my attention. 
 

Make your own list of ideas for when you just can't take it any more! In the end, we must rely only upon ourselves to provide the nurturing our soul so desperately craves, to fill our spirit so that we can care for those who need us, and stay on top of the many other demands in our lives. To expect it from someone else leads only to disappointment and resentment.

RDW (2007, revised 2010)

Are We There Yet??

As summer approaches we start fantasizing about hitting the road, but the reality of traveling with little kids brings our revelry to a screeching halt. So many of us are intimidated by the idea of making a long trip with very young children; but doing so is not only great fun, it lays the groundwork for a future of traveling undaunted by mere distance. 

 

Given that we have family in New England and California, our kids became accustomed to entrapment in their car seats for many hours on end, and to this day we all love long road trips. That is not to say that we didn't learn many lessons the hard way. I am here today to spare you some of these headaches.

First of all, make a comprehensive list of the things you will be needing to bring along. When you are finished with it, put it someplace (e.g., your underwear drawer) where you can find it for future reference. Likewise, keep a copy of house notes left for the person caring for pets and plants, etc. so you don't have to write new ones each time you go away. Changes can be made as necessary before the next trip, without having to create the whole thing from scratch.

Bring along lots of nutritious snacks and drinks. Stopping in parks or playgrounds for snack or lunch, and runaround time will make the next stretch of travel much easier. You can spend an hour having a picnic and getting the wiggles out instead of having to further restrain the children in a diner. If you plan to go the restaurant route for meals, go on-line and map out the locations of some acceptable choices. Having to search high and low for someplace to eat with a car full of hungry, cranky kids is not fun! (Remember to do a head count when leaving a pit stop. Driving off without one of the children happens far more often than one would expect!) 

 

Packing a bag of “stuff” (notebook, crayons or colored pencils, small toys, books, a deck of cards, a ball or Frisbee for pit stops) for each child to keep themselves entertained is most useful. Or, you may want to dole these playthings out one at a time every hour or so.

Never travel without a large box of Ziplocs and a couple of bath towels kept within easy reach in case of a sudden onset of carsickness. The bags don't leak and the smell is contained until you are able to dispose of it. 

 

Perhaps most critical is lots of kid friendly music that parents can fall in love with and tolerate listening to hundreds of times, because this is what kids do. It doesn't have to be “kid's music”- so much of that becomes terribly annoying in short order. But there are a few gems out there. Our very favorite children's artist is Tom Chapin. He is a singer storyteller and in my opinion a talented genius who either knows kids extremely well, or has a vivid recollection of childhood. 

 

Exposing children to a wide variety of music is a gift that lasts a lifetime. You can't go wrong with the Putamayo series of world music, Benny Goodman (big band/jazz), folk music (Peter, Paul, and Mary; the Weavers), or classical music that tells a story (Carnival of the Animals, Fantasia) 

 

While you may be tempted by the possibility of keeping the kids occupied through use of a dvd player, keep in mind that when children are watching TV, they are missing a world of first hand experience. Children become so excited when they see a herd of cattle, or the huge sculpture of a dinosaur, or various other landmarks. 

 

Numerous travel games keep the whole family entertained. Have everyone in the car pick a color and count cars. See how many different states can be identified on license plates. Play word games. (I learned how to read playing the alphabet game using the signs we passed).

 

You may be surprised to remember the large repertoire of songs you learned as a youngster in school or in scouts. Even if you can only remember part of a song, it is very easy to find the lyrics on-line. Kids love learning the silly songs we learned as children.

Of course, long road trips with little (and not so little) ones are not all fun and games. There are the inevitable spats that have a way of escalating to unacceptable proportions. Pulling over to the side of the road, turning the ignition off and sitting quietly (without letting yourself get sucked into the fray) until they decide it's time to move on is most effective in restoring the peace. In extreme situations, removing a child from the car (regardless of weather, and always with close parental supervision) provides a clear message that the behavior will not be tolerated.

When planning a road trip, include all family members to create a team spirit. Discuss beforehand the expectations, limits, and consequences of certain behaviors. When children are equipped with this information ahead of time, they are eager to cooperate; and if it becomes necessary to enforce disciplinary measures, it is by choice of the person misbehaving .- RDW (5-13-10)

Let It Snow Let It Snow Let It Snow

Year by year the complexities of this world grow more bewildering. We need all the more to seek peace and comfort in the joyful simplicities, and to teach our children to do the same. For in so doing, we enable them to seek contentment within themselves rather than relying on electronic devices for their entertainment.   

Being from Maine, I've always liked it when winter really acts like winter, with lots of snow and subfreezing temperatures. If you are like me (and most kids!) and there is rumor of a big snowstorm, you wake up every half hour all night long to see if it is still snowing and whoop with glee when school is canceled. Perhaps you are able to stay home as well. Make it your priority to create some wonderful memories with your children! 

 

Remember the joy of winter as a child, and reacquaint yourself with the luxury of that pleasure. Shovel snow together, but don't be surprised if your kids want to shovel the yard and not the driveway. Create snow angels.; build a snowman; make a snow fort. Go sledding at Babcock Park Hill, or Stonybrook, or some other great place near your home. Chances are quite good you won't have to go far.

Take a walk in the woods on snowshoes or cross country skis. Look for winter birds, and squirrels’ nests. Notice animal tracks and try to identify them. If you find any animals hibernating (bats, insects) do not disturb them, as they may die if they are awakened. Notice how tightly leaf buds are wrapped so they won't freeze; observe what happens if we get a stretch of warm weather. Go to a frozen stream. Notice ice formations and water running underneath. (Stay onshore lest one goes through the ice!)

Make bird feeders using popcorn and cranberries; pine cones with peanut butter rolled in birdseed; seed cups using the peels of half oranges and lemons with string hangers. Decorate the trees with treats for the birds and animals.

Have a Neighborhood Winter Carnival. Snow sculpt a glorified snowman, dragon, Big Bird... Set up target games for hurling snowballs. Have a tug of war in the snow. Afterward, share in the warmth of a pot of cocoa made with real milk, or hot spiced cider and popcorn.

Even if housebound, having an expectation of time together as a family for a couple of hours without electronic devices affords the quiet companionship snow days and Sunday afternoons are perfect for. Playing cards or board games; sprawling around the living room, each with his or her own book, or reading a book aloud together as a family; making valentines for school and each other; writing letters to grandparents or journaling; working a jigsaw puzzle together; making tacos, or shaking it up with a dance party, lay a foundation for close ties between siblings 

This time of year, as the pace seems to slow somewhat, it is easier to find moments for quality time with the children. Sometimes when we are immersed in the trials of parenting and day to day living, it is hard to realize how truly fleeting this precious time with little ones is. Children have so much to teach us. Please take the opportunity to really enjoy this priceless gift of childhood. And take lots of pictures! You won't regret it. (RDW 1-19-11)