School Days....

Easing the transition when your child starts school

      One of the most important rites of passage for both parents and children happens when we send our little darlings off to school for the first time. What an exciting, scary, bittersweet time for parent and child.

      Some children march off to school  and have no  trouble  whatsoever  settling in. For others, it can be more traumatic. And there is nothing worse than leaving your child in the throes of separation and stranger anxiety when you want so desperately to relieve them of this despair.

     My son happily went off to school for the first three days of kindergarten. But the following Monday he decided he had had enough. When we started out to meet the bus, he ran around the house and in through the back door sobbing that he wanted to stay home. My neighbor stepped in, bless her heart, walking and cajoling him to the bus stop. That was the day I cried.
        If your child's anxiety gets the better of them, you will be faced with the agony of tearing yourself away as s/he is begging you not to leave. Their apprehension is so understandable when you consider that this is a whole new experience and your child has no idea what to expect.

        Following are some ideas that may help in the transition for you and your child.

       Before the first day, plan to visit the school with your little person during a day when the teacher is in the classroom. A Visitors Week or some other event is sometimes set up for this purpose. Otherwise, call the school and leave a message for the teacher to call and arrange a convenient time to visit.

      There are numerous story books about starting school. Helping a child to visualize beforehand what will occur, is very beneficial. The Kissing Hand, a lovely story by Audrey Penn, is especially helpful in dealing with separation anxiety, and worth reading with your child before school starts.

        Finding a small token for your child to keep in their pocket to remind them that you love them and will be back soon can be a great comfort.

      Make a special day of your child’s first day in school. Start the day with a nutritious breakfast of eggs or fruit and toast or whole grain cereal. A breakfast loaded with sugar merely aggravates the emotional upheaval your little one experiences and will make things more difficult for your child, yourself, and the teacher.

        If your child wants to bring their favorite doll or stuffed animal to keep them company, let them. Explain that if this little “friend” is too disruptive, the doll or teddy may have to wait in their backpack until it is time to go home.

      The first day of preschool or kindergarten is often shortened to allow the children to gradually become accustomed to this new environment. Tell your child that you will be back when it's time to go home. Give them a frame of reference as to how long that will be (e.g., if it is going to be an hour, say, “That's how long Sesame Street is on.”)

       Plan with your child that when you come back, you will have a special date and go out for lunch or to the playground.

    Talk about your child’s feelings. (“It’s a little bit scary when…” or “ I feel that way sometimes too, but you know what? It always, always gets better.”) When I tell young children that I always feel shy on the first day, it validates their feelings and empowers them to feel braver.

       Tell your child that some kids become upset when their parents leave, and suggest that if that happens, they can make a special effort to make friends with that child.

      Even if a child is distraught, it is much easier for all of you if you just leave (although sneaking out is usually not a good idea). Your hesitation just proves that there is reason to be afraid!

       Do not let your child see you cry in this situation.

      A child’s distress passes much more quickly if you make a clean break. Once when my husband and I were leaving one of the kids with a sitter, when we left them in his room he was crying- until we reached the first landing.

      When you bring your child in the morning, explain that when it’s time for you (the parent) to leave, you will leave, but will be back when it's time to go home. Then leave! More often than not, a child is distracted enough within the first five minutes to enjoy the day so much that he doesn't want to leave when it is time to go.

     In the parking lot after they have deposited their children, parents sometimes organize meeting for coffee. What better time to support one another in a time of doubt, and start meeting the parents of your child's new friends?  -RDW (2005, revised 2010)

Independence Leading to Responsibility
 

    There's a lot of work in any family, particularly if there are young children involved. Everyone must be fed, clothed, and organized. Many of us tend to help a child with a task, either because we don't realize that they are old enough to do something themselves, or because we don't have the patience to wait around while they do it. I remember when my youngest was two-years old, he used to exclaim “Self!” whenever we tried to assist him in any way. It was great-unless we were in a hurry!

      Three- and four-year-olds are old enough to do lots of things: get dressed, put on their own shoes and jacket, and pick up after themselves. But we must show them how, often more than once because they don't have the experience to have gained that knowledge.

      You can help your preschooler in asserting his/her independence by buying clothes that she/he can put on by himself. It is helpful to everyone if you send your young child out into the day with Velcro shoes and pull-up, elastic wasted pants, as it not always convenient to interrupt what we are doing to buckle overalls or put together a complicated outfit. Teach with patience, as many times as it takes, how to use buckles, buttons, snaps and zippers. Most three- or four-year-olds are old enough to learn these things. If we miss the window of opportunity when children are eager to try things for themselves, they become perfectly content keeping you in their service. 

      As a child becomes older, and is able to do more for himself, he can and should assume some of the load of family life. Here are some ways to get your kids to pitch in:
    * Make sure responsibilities are clearly understood. If your children are not used to helping out, have a meeting to discuss why they must get involved. Involve everyone in the family when assigning jobs.
      * Make yours an equal opportunity household. Boys should learn about food preparation and laundering clothes. Girls need to learn how to handle simple tools. Household chores can be a way of giving your kids survival skills for later life.
      * Develop "no-nag" methods of reminding children of their responsibilities. Some families post a chart on the refrigerator. Each day, family members check off their jobs as they complete them. When I add myself and the jobs I am expected to accomplish, it puts things in perspective for everyone else in the family. My sister-in-law told me her secret as I shared my frustration over my children's lack of willingness to do something when asked: Before the kids get up, write a list of the days expectations for each child, with the admonition that these tasks must be completed before they go out the door, watch TV, or get on the computer. By doing this, it is the paper telling them what they need to do, alleviating much of the nagging noise we are horrified to hear coming out of our mouths.

    * Don't redo chores your kids have done. If a job can only be done your way, then you have to do it. Redoing a job is hurtful to a child's feelings, and can lead to learned incompetence: the discovery that if I don't do a job well enough, I won't be asked to do it! On the other hand, if you are clear with your expectations from the beginning, and insist that the job be done well (not necessarily perfectly) then you are helping to teach them a good work ethic.
     * Finally, help your kids learn that freedom and responsibility go hand in hand. As they do more, they should also expect more freedom: the privilege of having a friend over, pick of TV show (within reason!), what to do for a special treat, or choices in how to spend their free time. 
      Teaching independence and responsibility is a win-win situation for everyone. Teachers say that children who have learned to accept jobs at home are better able to accept being in charge of their own learning. And it will improve your quality of life as well! (RDW 9-17-09)

Overbooking the lives of children

     When my children were young they played Little League baseball and attended scouts. Many of our friends' children did as well, in addition to their piano lessons, dance, karate, and church school. It seemed as I spoke with other parents that this level of involvement with extra curricular activities was the norm and I began to question my own instincts to let the kids have the time I thought was necessary for creative play, for discovering who they are without being bombarded with scheduled activities. In a moment of self-doubt, I asked my sons if they felt gypped because their friends got to do all of these things and they didn't. “No! I like to play!” And play they did. They built forts and went in search of stream critters and made treasure maps and played Hide and Seek and Capture the Flag. They had neighborhood Olympics and read great books, created masterpieces with sidewalk chalk, made potions, climbed trees, kept detailed notes as they spied on one another, had back yard carnivals, and played kick ball. It was a rare occurrence to hear them complain that they were bored. TV time, including video, was limited to an hour per day. Computer time was limited to 30 minutes per day, or an hour after they turned ten to accommodate more sophisticated activities.     So many kids today have little time just to be. There is so much pressure on us as parents to live up to the standards of the people around us. I want to laugh and cry when I see the Baby Einstein and educational materials designed to create little geniuses and when the children can't live up to being the best, most brilliant, most athletic, most fashionable kid on the block, excelling at each thing put before them, then clearly they (or their parents) are a failure. What pressure they endure from the most well meaning of loved ones!
     I have come to believe that the thing that matters most is that they are fully aware of their own inner light, that they are able to call on their inner resources: creativity, courage, contentedness, acceptance, forgiveness, and happiness. Allowing the time to discover who they are in this world without the constant intervention on the part of the adults in their lives. Guidance yes. Loving support and encouragement, by all means. But trying to mold them into the some preconceived notion of perfection, or into the person we wish we had become can only be detrimental to their well-being.- RDW (6-26-07) 

Dinnertime: nourishment of body and soul 

 

      As we settle into the whirlwind of fall activity, it may become necessary to set aside down time to be a Family.

      “Down time?! Are you Crazy?! Between ferrying kids to and from scouts and sports and dance and karate and gymnastics and music lessons and play practice and jobs, and the multitude of meetings and appointments and errands and other obligations required of us, how in the world can there possibly be time left to set aside?”
      There's a story about a teacher who presents her students with a jar filled with rocks and the question of whether or not the jar is full. They unanimously answer that yes, indeed the jar is full. She pours pebbles over the rocks, shaking the jar gently and filling the crevices between the stones. “Is the jar full now?” “It sure looks full” Sand is added. “Full?” “Definitely!” She proceeds to add water.
    This is suggested as a metaphor for setting priorities in life. The rocks represent the things that make our lives full: family, partner, children, friends, and health. The pebbles represent other things that matter: work, school, car, house... The sand and water are everything else. If you fill the jar with “sand” first, it leaves no room for the relationships that are most critical to our well-being in this life.
      How can we find time to really get to know one another as individuals living in the same family, when everyone is running around doing whatever it is they do from dawn until bed time?
    Having grown up during a time when most families sat down together to share the evening meal, I never questioned that the dinner hour provides the time necessary to connect with one another. But things have changed a lot since then and consistently gathering together over family dinner is no easy feat. So we settle for a drive through McDonald's and eat together in the car while running to the next appointed task. Round and round we go, until we arrive home frazzled and grumpy, with little patience left for our most beloved.
     The dinner table is the place to learn manners and how to be polite; it is where our children learn to be social with grace. You are a role model and when your children hear you say "please" and "thank you", observe you sitting still, chewing with your mouth closed, and listening to one another, they are more likely to follow suit. If being polite in social situations is the expectation, children learn to carry their manners into other aspects of life.
      By setting aside time to share dinner, more planning and careful preparation goes into creating a healthier meal than what we are able to get on the fly. One way to make this seem more manageable is to get into a routine of preparing several meals at a time for the freezer (soup, spaghetti sauce, chili, casseroles...) This in itself can become a family affair, with the added benefit of teaching the kids kitchen safety and the basics of cooking.
     At the dinner table (or perhaps breakfast is a better option for your family), we become exposed to our children's way of life through discussion of school, friends, books, music, TV, current events and societal pressures. Sharing a meal with those we love allows us to celebrate and commiserate, to problem-solve and learn about where we fit into the grand scheme of things.
      When my kids were little and needed to have dinner before Daddy could get home, they would later join us at table with a bowl of cereal before going to bed. As they became involved in their own extra-curricular activities (which invariably occurred through the typical dinner hour) mealtime was pushed back, and often we did not sit down until 8:30 or later.
       But here's the thing: Two of my sons have gone off to set up housekeeping together with some of their friends in another state, and they continue to sit down together for dinner every night. For as my 24 year-old has so wisely observed: “Family is sacred.”

                                                                                                                        - RDW (9-17-10)